A few nights ago I was sick, sudden onset nausea and couldn’t really function kind of sick. When I’m sick I want to be loved, to be taken care of.
I’ve learned over the years that Matt and I sometimes have a hard time taking care of each other when we’re sick. He tries, and I try, but sometimes we both just end up feeling let down. That night was one of those nights. I felt let down, he felt like he failed, we fought. Such is life.
But there was this weird tension afterwards. As if we both couldn’t really say what we wanted to. It was like those moments in the movies, where the characters clearly love each other, so why can’t they just say it?! It was awkward so I took the easy way out and went to bed. Matt joined me maybe 10 minutes later. As we were lying there in the dark I started crying. Not the loud, big sobbing cry, but rather silent streams of tears running down my face. Matt was no more than 8 inches from me and he couldn’t tell. I was crying because I felt like I was in bed with a stranger. As I thought on this I realized I actually felt like I was in bed with two strangers. At that moment I felt like I didn’t know Matt, but I also felt like I didn’t know myself. Why couldn’t I say what I wanted to say? What did I want to say?
I felt like in that moment I was facing something big in our relationship. I could either cry silently and let Matt drift into sleep, having no idea that I was so torn up, or I could speak to this stranger and try to find the man I love. So I spoke up. I shared how I felt. I asked Matt how can two lovers, soul mates, fiances, feel so unfamiliar so suddenly? What does this mean?
I was amazed at his insight. He held me and told me that it makes perfect sense to him… because we are so close we can easily be far apart too… everything has it’s opposite. Being so open and close with someone means you are extremely vulnerable with them, and vulnerability can easily shut down and become guarded, hence the feeling like strangers when we felt hurt.
Mystery solved. And suddenly we were us again.
Daily Affirmation: “I am brave in love”