I started a new class this week; Professional Skills Development. Initially I was guarded. I entered the room to see 30 chairs arranged in a circle, properly known as a sharing circle I would soon come to learn. My heart jumped to my throat. I have recently realized, through sessions with an energy healer and an intuitive healer, that I bottle my emotions. Specifically my grief. I really thought I had done my work and made peace with the loss of my bestie, but of course, the work does not end, we must be open to continuous healing.
Back to the sharing circle; we take turns sharing our gratitude for the day and one thing that we are looking forward to. Then the question I fear comes… “Why are you really at this school? I don’t want to hear your typical answer, I want to know the truth”. Oh lordy. Literally a thousand images jump to my mind; the car accident, the hospital, sitting on the dock telling my best friends soul that it’s okay to let go; the destructive life I lived in order to cope; and on, and on, and on. I realize through this that I have a choice. I can share this, or I can pass. I have the choice to keep it all inside. I also have the choice to share. I decide to be vulnerable and share. It was hard, and I was surprised just how hard it was afterwards. Intense emotions for the next two days, primarily of ANGER and worry. Extreme anger and feelings that I didn’t want to be apart of this world anymore; the very poignant feeling of wanting to run, from everything and everyone so that I could lose all attachments and not have the potential to go through this pain again. Then the intense worry kicked in; my fiance was late coming home and I convinced myself that he had been in a car accident. I spent a full hour imagining every single detail in the back on my mind. My rational mind of course knew that he was okay, but this small part of me fears so much that the cycle will repeat. When I’m clear-headed I know that this is my body working through the emotions that I’ve bottled up inside, I need to feel these things so that hopefully they can pass. So here I am today, staying afloat through vulnerability and grief.
Daily Affirmation: “I am safe”